Friday Funnies — The “Forwarder’s” 12 Step Program

THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM

EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME…

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog if I forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else, if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail… NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

 
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Stalking the Others (H&W Investigations #4) Cover Reveal!

My newsletter subscribers have already seen the shiny new cover, but for those who missed it… here she is!

Vampires, werewolves, mages–the Others are very real, and wreaking havoc in Shiarra Waynest’s life. But now, she’s returning the favor…

Once, she was one of the good guys–or as close as a New York P.I. can get. Then Shiarra Waynest was drawn into the world of the Others. Every faction has its own loyalties and agenda. And Shia’s recent betrayal by her ex-boyfriend means that she may be on the verge of becoming a rogue werewolf at the next full moon.

Of course, with all the threats against her, Shia’s not sure she’ll live long enough to find out. The enigmatic vampire Royce wants her back in his clutches, as do two powerful werewolf packs, along with the police. Instead of going into hiding, Shia is enlisting the aid of her enchanted hunter’s belt and every dirty P.I. trick she knows. If she’s going down, she’ll take out as many of her enemies as she can–and hope that in the process, she keeps whatever humanity she has left…

Preorder STALKING THE OTHERS from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Book Depository today!

 
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A Great Start to 2012!

It’s been a great holiday season at Casa Haines. For the past few weeks you may have noticed I’ve been quiet save for the occasional Friday Funnies post. Aside from consuming enough holiday sweets for my bloodstream to be swimming with peppermint and cloves, I’ve been hard at work on putting together the first chapter of book 5 (no official title yet) so you’ll have a suitably awesome sneak peek at what’s coming included in the back of STALKING THE OTHERS.

Now I’m getting back into the swing of working on interviews and guest posts to ring in the New Year. You can get a taste of what’s coming by checking out the interview I did with the fabulous Sullivan McPig (includes a giveaway for a signed copy of HUNTED BY THE OTHERS or THE REAL WEREWIVES OF VAMPIRE COUNTY). Sullie also did some fab interviews and is hosting giveaways of books from fabulous authors, Carolyn Crane, Laura Bickle, and Gini Koch!

For those who follow on Twitter, you’ve probably already heard that I received the cover flats for book 4 in the H&W Investigations series, STALKING THE OTHERS. My newsletter subscribers will be the first to see a clean picture of the cover (as soon as I have a digital image to do it justice) and they will also get to read an exclusive excerpt. If you haven’t already signed up, you can do that via the newsletter subscription box on the top-right portion of this blog.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am ridiculously excited for this book to come out! As much as DECEIVED BY THE OTHERS was a game changer, STALKING THE OTHERS brings things to a whole new level…

So! Now that the holidays are over, I’ll be making an effort to blog more regularly, post more book reviews, and, of course, do it all while writing the next book in the series!

How about you? Have any resolutions for 2012?

 
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Friday Funnies — Christmas Edition

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  You know the one.  When Santa slips a little something special under the tree?  Let’s see what the kiddies are asking him for this year…


Santa Answers His Mail

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.

Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dearest Santa,

we don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,

First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

….erm. Well, I guess Santa only has so much Christmas cheer to go around.

Merry Christmas everybody!

 
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Friday Funnies – The Laws of Life

THE LAWS OF LIFE

** Law of Mechanical Repair **
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

** Law of the Workshop **
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

** Law of Probability **
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

** Law of the Telephone **
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

** Law of the Alibi **
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

** Variation Law **
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

** Law of the Bath **
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

** Law of Close Encounters **
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

** Law of the Result **
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

** Law of Biomechanics **
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

** Law of the Theater **
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

** Law of Coffee **
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

** Murphy’s Law of Lockers **
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

** Law of Rugs/Carpets **
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

** Law of Location **
No matter where you go, there you are.

** Law of Logical Argument **
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

** Brown’s Law **
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

** Oliver’s Law **
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

** Wilson’s Law **
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (This one is true every time!)

** Doctors’ Law **
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

 
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Thinking About The Future

Okay. I admit it. I was a bad, bad author this weekend.

I curled up with some good books instead of doing anything productive.

Yes, I know. I have deadlines and promotion and unanswered emails to deal with—but I can’t say I regret a moment of that time spent relaxing.

While reading, one of the things I was considering was what I’ll be doing in the future. I have books 5 and 6 contracted and planned out for the H&W series—but what do I do when they’re done? I’m not working two jobs anymore, so I have more time to write than ever. And I do want to write more than Shiarra’s story. There are quite a few ideas brewing in the back of my mind that I intend to put to paper at some point.

Branching out and exploring new things is usually all to the good. It keeps creative juices from stagnating and makes you think outside the boundaries you’re used to.

However, I can understand that deviating from what your fans are used to can also surprise and sometimes upset the reader. While I’m very aware that no author can please everyone with their writing, and not every reader will love every story an author writes—no matter how devoted a fan they may be—there’s nothing wrong with that. We all have different tastes, and that’s part of the beauty of having such a wide array and variety of books so readily available to us in this day and age.

I believe this is why some authors use different pen names for different genres. Not just to protect their identity, but to keep from alienating fans who pick up a new book by one of their favorite authors, only to find out that it’s nothing like what they’re used to and creating an unnecessary rift or wariness about forking over their money for more books by that author in the future.

For example, I love and adore Julie Garwood’s Victorian and Scottish Highland romances to pieces—but I loathe her Western romances. I haven’t even bothered with any of the contemporaries.

Now I love—love—the Scottish Highlander romances. They give me warm fuzzies. When I need a little feel good romantic fluff in my life, THE SECRET is the first thing I reach for. I adore Ms. Garwood’s work. She’s one of my favorite romance authors. Whenever someone asks me for a romance read recommendation, THE SECRET is usually the first book on the list.

That doesn’t mean that I love or follow all of her work. And that’s okay.

You are allowed not to like a genre or a sub-genre. Your tastes are solely and wholly your own.

So, on that note, what other genres do you enjoy reading? Do you have any authors whose works you follow across multiple genres/pen names? If I deviated outside the bounds of urban fantasy and explored high fantasy, steampunk, paranormal romance, horror, etc, would you want to come along for the ride? Or would you stick with the urban fantasy alone?

 
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Friday Funnies – The Diary of a Cat and a Dog

DOG DIARY

7:00 AM – Outside! My favorite thing!
8:00 AM – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
2:00 PM – Looked out the window and barked! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
4:00 PM – Chased a bird out of the tree! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 PM – Watched my people eat! My favorite thing!
6:00 PM – Table scraps! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 
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Sometimes We Forget

Sometimes we forget that not everyone has it as good as we do.

Sometimes we forget that others might not see things the way we do.

Sometimes we forget how much a smile, a simple touch, a hug, given at the right time, can mean.

Sometimes we forget that our words can have a far reaching influence; more than we intended.

Sometimes we forget that we are capable of inspiring and nurturing the dreams of others.

Sometimes we forget the feelings of those around us.

Sometimes we forget to say “I love you.”

Sometimes we forget to be grateful for what we have.

Sometimes we forget to do the little things – and now and then, the big ones, too.

Sometimes we forget to be there when it counts.

Sometimes we forget to show our affection.

Sometimes we forget how much you need us.

Sometimes we forget how much you’ve done for us.

Sometimes we forget to say we’re sorry.

Sometimes we forget just how far imagination can take us.

And sometimes we forget how important the people in our lives are until they’re gone.

R.I.P. Terry and Ken. You’ll be missed.

 
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Friday Funnies — University Final Exam

At a university, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to the campus until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.

They studied that night for the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy…

Then they turned the page.

On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

 
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And the winner is…

Courtesy of Random.org, the winner of the REAL WEREWIVES OF VAMPIRE COUNTY release day giveaway is:

Hannah O.!

Big congrats to you!! Please contact me within 72 hours with a shipping address, choice of T-shirt size, and which H&W book (HUNTED, TAKEN, or DECEIVED BY THE OTHERS) you want to claim your prize, or another winner will be chosen.

Thanks again to everyone who entered! I loved hearing your responses to the question, and look forward to hearing more from you all when the next H&W book comes out. Stay tuned, I’ll be linking some new giveaways, guest posts and interviews soon…

 
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